"You fight a lot" someone once told me. "You dramatize things" someone else told me... And i surely didn't stop thinking about it untill i wrote this, to myself first so that i can understand why i am facing these accusations, and to them so that they can stop wondering why..

 

I don't think that fights are hazardous phenomenons. A fight is an accumulation of disappointment and anger provoqued by something or someone. Fighting is not a rational behaviour. It's an emotional expression, coming out from a being, especially from someone who has a develloped sense of expression. People who do not feel emotional disappointment and anger do not fight, definitely not for emotional causes. Some of these people are not emotional, others are or became numb. Only it's hard sometimes for emotional people to express their disappointment because they fear showing that they are hurt. They are afraid of looking vulnerable to others, and that's why sometimes, some fights just don't go on.

 

Not being emotional, may or may not be wrong depending on the individual's nature and of course on some of the situations in which an individual is present. However, not being emotional is not a mistake, just another nature. What i consider as a mistake, is numbing ourselves to reality because that will only lead to exhaustion and unhappiness. People who are not willing to experience the lows of life, are also cheating themselves out of experiencing the true highs.

 

After all, passionate feelings fuel our thoughts, our ambitions, our desires, and ultimately provide meaning in our life.

I know there are many proverbs & motivational quotes that have to do with sadness and happiness, but i never read one that mentioned anything about the course of life, maybe there are many, but i never read one like those. Is it true that after every sadness, comes a happiness to our lives? I've been thinking, what if i missed this one source of happiness at a time, and it never came back? I would feel like SHiT! I keep warning myself from failing into the trap of never ending phases of sadness.. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, i hope they said that in the bible, i'm sorry i never read the bible but i pronounce my faith in my religion and God.  Everything happens for a reason. There's always a lesson. There's a time when we have to force our selves to get out of a hole, gather our forces and catch up with our skills. The sooner we do that the better we get, because time doesn't seem to stop, and i don't want to miss a thing anymore.  As sad as it was, every sorrow brings more joy! Catch up!

Actually, I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a writer, but I certainly have the thoughts and the feelings of a person who spent some time contemplating life and what’s in it, the simple life, the simple things. That helped me. I’m not sure I know what must be known exactly, but many people don’t know as much as I do about people. I’ve found myself many times, predicting what people are feeling and feeling with them as well and I thought, I could write something to them, about them, without telling them, and they would definitely end up knowing. We always end up knowing more about what we already knew. Even if some writings don’t speak to us and about us, they always make our minds question our reality. But we need the key word.

Am I ready?

Am I ready to write a book that can end up being published? Whoa!!! I don’t know!

But I’ve been thinking of doing this sometime! Is it time? Like now? When there’re a million things that keep getting contradicted by each other bringing to me more confusions in the head? Is this the way of a writer?  Like since I keep contemplating everything I may have on mind - for a very long time that I start to stop seeing an end to the possibilities that may occur, in a certain situation, which keeps me alerted of assuming anything about it – could I start writing a book while I’m in the middle of a cyclone of thoughts? And having been in my own shoes, what exactly would I have to say? How can I be arrogant enough to think that I’m right and convincing to the reader? And why should I think, that someone is really reading?

I haven’t studied literature and I don’t know how good is my English, maybe you can tell, but I’d like you to know that I have this something with writing… it’s on papers where I’m more like myself, more free being. I used to be a very shy person, I used to be afraid of talking, and I never felt okay about speaking the wrong words. Between my shyness and fear, I wonder if I’ve learnt to write the right words. That’s not something I know or I can tell, but people who read me can, but if I had to say something about it, I’d say that Human Beings are bodies and souls, we all know this but it brings me to think sometimes that our bodies and souls were granted to us and they’re meant to change the way they naturally do, but we’re not only that. We are our minds too. We think, we can keep thinking, we can think more of a certain thing and we can stretch the thinking. I think only when writing, the mind speaks alone. The body serves the mind with interpreting fingers, and the soul with the energy, and how deep, observing and expressive the person is, how developed and developing the thought and the mind are, and I’m sure they work wonders only if we can listen to ourselves. The mind is like the “Big Boss Speaking”…

 

 

Not everything that glows is gold (Metaphor).

 

Is glowing a curse to the things that are not gold? And when it comes to love?

I've started to think that love is a curse, when everytime we love someone, we find ourselves forced to be challenged.

I am, if not the first, one of the people who used to say that in order to love someone, we have to accept this someone just the way he or she is. I did, do and will always believe in that. But the fact is that to love someone, accepting is no longer effective! Or in other terms, i find myself unable to accept. Not because i'm too picky, nor because i'm too "pricky", but simply because there are no more rules for accepting!

What i mean by saying that is, some things, at a certain point, are unacceptable, even if understandable! What i mean to ask is: Are some people we love unloveable? My personal answer would be a "NO". When we love someone, then this someone is loveable. That's a final conclusion. The real question that remains unanswered for me is: Should we get attached to everyone we love? Or should we engage in a relationship with everyone we love? And here my personal answer would be "NO" as well. I believe that sometimes, we just can't. I'll tell you why...

 

I'm too good at being adaptable, i'm trained. What i suck at is that i can't find myself able to swallow the big sugar cube (Metaphor). What i suck at is not the act of swallowing sugar, but my throat can't take its size! That is the sugar cube's imperfection in order to suit my throat! An imperfection that can't be changed! (The metaphor does not take melting the sugar cube into consideration).

So if you agree with me that the sugar cube's curse is its size, then that's why i would fail to swallow.

 

The curse of love, is falling in love, with someone we accept as a person, someone we consider loveable, but whom we refuse as our other half, not because there's a pleasure in refusing, not at all! Only God knows how much it hurts, but the problem is only a lack of acceptance, for in some cases, accepting forces us to go beyond the rules we set for ourselves. There is where we step back...

 

I met someone amazing. Someone i could easily say that i love. But this someone carries in her bag of life, what is heavier than my abilities to carry... Accepting, the lack of accepting and this heavy bag of life that i can't help with carrying aren't anything but a curse of love.

 

Or could it be a blessing?

I never ever thought that i could get to know someone very special, just because i knew a trick i've learnt to do with matches..

I never ever thought that i could grab someone's special attention, just because i knew how to make a rose out of a kleenex..

I never ever thought that two matches, a kleenex and a couple drinks, would turn out to be the ingredients of coocking, something as sweet as sweetness itself... The sweetness of finding someone cute, and getting to see her everyday, which will eventually work wonders! The kind of wonders that make you nuts! The kind of wonders that turn your brains out into butterflies, and make you spinn for too long, that's of course if spinning would ever stop! I personally, never thought that this could happen! I did a trick just because... I made the flower because... well just because! And since i was having a couple drinks, i turned out being one in a couple! Wonderfull!

 

Would you all be laughing now?

Well, you know it's fine with me!

It was nice to meet her...

It is nice meeting her...

It's nice knowing that i'm going to meet her!

 

 

Twenty six years! Some age!

What's beyond the first quarter of a century? What's in the first year of the second quarter?

I don't know what, but i know there will be me for sure! Who am i?

 

I am a person who's been raised between all the challenging challenges of this life.

I am a person who was born on the 29th of September 1980.

A very polite and calm individual, who wouldn't speak to you if you don't. He would be just contemplating.

A young boy who used to go to church every Sunday, then come back home.

A young boy who used to go to school every day and then come back home.

A young boy whose business was to overtake his classmate neighbor at school. They used to fight over 1st place in class!!

 

I am a person who's lived with misunderstanding and screaming, with a strict mother and a dictator father, but thank god for those loving parents... I had a lot of dreams, but i am from Lebanon. And from Lebanon were wars as well. The clever student failed, and the hard working father had lost his job... Oh poor Lebanon...

 

I was 15. At 15 i aged. I became a man at 15. There was no money and no descent jobs for dad. At 15, i used to study and work, to help my father and since then i stopped taking money from him. Honestly i used to pay with him, for the house and anything else a family might need... I forgot that i was only 15. They made me forget. They told me that i was supposed to count on myself, they said "you're a man now".. And i believed.

I worked in construction, i painted walls, i fixed satellite dishes, and i programmed receivers... I studied electronics, then i learned photography, then i found a job in a pre-press agency, worked there for two years, and i was only 19 when i went out for my military service. I had to finish with it... no one agreed, but i couldn't care less and i went out for it. An unfortunate year that was... But i had to do it. One day after i was done, i found a job, which i quit 15 days later for having found a better one. I was 20 back then, it's been six years at that same good job... Anyway...

 

I didn't let my hard life change me, i kept the child in me. The child that misslived his childhood never left my soul. It's why i am living it now, in a man's body. Many are the people who think i'm not a man yet, but i know who i am. I'm a 15 years old MAN. I'm a 26 years old CHILD...

I love with all my heart. I am content with my life, and that's thanks to God, and to my mother, father, brother, sister and you, all of you, my friends.

 

I love you. I love loving you, and i love being loved by you because believe me that's way too much of a support for me.

 

Not even one birthday of mine was a happy birthday. But this year it's different.

I didn't know you before. I didn't love you before. And i never loved who i was, but everything has changed.

Your presence helped me a lot, as much as i helped myself, and now i love myself...

 

I am happy at last, be happy for me... Seriously, it's a happy birthday today!

 

I wish;

-Peace to you all and to the world.

-All your dreams come true!

-All my dreams come true! And may the first be, finding that ever missing love of my life...

 

 

 

How do we tell it's time to quit? When SHOULD WE leap a hurdle and when should we back away gracefully from it?

I was trying to find a foolproof formula.

 

I think everything is in the details. How?

 

If we examin everything surrounding us, slowly and cleverly, like a full scan in the place and the moment where we're present, we'll notice something we were never aware it existed. having done that, we have practiced awareness. We have experienced a fully devellopped phase.

If life is a journey, where is the map? It's in the details of our lives. To notice every detail, we have to be simply aware, contemplating constantly, and we have to be aware that we have to.

 

Whatever it is we're doing, once we had the details examined and analysed properly, we don't have to quit anything. And if we face a challenging problem, it would be obvious for us if we have to quit or not. We'll know when we examin the details.

We have the power to draw the maps of our individual lives if we are aware that we can.

We can!

 

 

I look at you all, and i see the same face. People wear the same features nowadays.

I look at people, and i can't see but sadness.

We know quite well what hard times out country is living, and it's inevitable to feel down.

But that's not all i see, i can clearly see what's worse. I see surrender, i see a declaration of loss. I see bags of hope piled in evacuation boats and rests of humans singing farewell. I see mothers crying, i see children dying and i see men blown in pieces. I see famine, i see illness and i see fear.

 

My country is destroyed, fire flames devoured everything, demolition took over! Our sea is wearing black and our skies are thick and dark.

 

For goodness sake, us the sinners ask for your forgiveness My Lord.

 

Life, happy or sad it was, needs to have a taste or a flavor in the souls of human beings.

That’s why I smoke!

 

It is ironic how accurate I find the link between the two.

Cigarettes taste bitter and weird.

Life is bitter and weird, as far as I’m concerned.

It is ironic how accurately people describe and compare life to a cigarette! They say life is like a cigarette burning, while smoking it, you are smoking life! And at the end, both vanish.

It is ironic how accurately your chill out friends tell you to Smoke an opportunity! Like take it, and star!

 

The smoking part in living or in smoking itself, makes bells ring! It keeps you feeding on the waves of alert!

Some Smoking awakes your talents.

 

I know smoking is unhealthy, health wise, but Because is why I smoke.

 

Okay... Listen... I think this is a very confusing entry, maybe it would turn out to be crap and out of sense to some of you, i don't think i want to be sorry about that, but being curious to find out what is it makes you pay the price to read it anyway and if you could get something out of it then i'm happy i wrote it. I'm anyway feeling better that i had let it out. Now i can think of something else.

 

 

I don't have any idea how i started writing this;

 

I'm sick of having to have friends. I'm sick of being a friend to a person who has to have friends.

Yet i acknowledge the fact that some of these friendships could get quite insightful.

 

Very few are the people who appreciate us for who we are and even fewer are those who let us reaveal ourselves properly and unleash the one in everyone of us. Rare are to find, those who believe in us, rare are those who give us a chance and rare are those who deserve a chance but i advice you to give them anyway.

 

...It still seems funny for me to do this, but i think today i'm in the mood, and feeling a little courage in me so i will do it. It's about writing. I'm going to start one of my random writings with the words "I once wrote", because i've lately realised that many of the things i thought and have written about turned out to be common sense.

 

So, Ladies & Gentlemen...

I once wrote...

...That just when you think it's time to give up doing things, searching for people, or even believing in ideas, comes a godsend!

I remember that i had allowed myself a right of agreeing on this thought, but i've never really got an answer from anyone or anything about it. Back then it was about a friend, and i addressed this friend with the uniqueness of the word unique. Agreeing or not was not your option.

But here i am today, coming back to you with my question and i had figured a way to spare you the thinking. Once more, i had allowed myself the right of agreeing, in the name of common sense this time.

My question, the fruit of my questionning, is inspired by life and the plans of this universe, inspired by cats, inspired by feelings, and the sense of loss, inspired by friends and random people, inspired by parents, and by the whole social system until it reached the websites. Asking for what? Asking for friends. Only those friends which you can allow yourself the right of agreeing on every good one you'd want to say about them untill you reach their uniqueness.

 

Out of all those freaky things done by freaky people on the web, the laughing goes at those who are looking for love.

"They should get a life", many people say that.

Now that i am contemplating it, i find it quite ordinary. Talking to someone before seeing them turned out to be even better when you want to know someone. The problem is that people feel crashed if their date was ugly! Getting to know that date, the idea of it, fades away in a spark and they block each other.

So after a few years of experience, older people on the web become more desperate about finding their lost love, and become pickier as they grow old. It's because the sense of deserving much better than this or that after having waited so long. And the waiting goes on. As a result, some chances that stand a chance get dumped and you only see backs leaving, and heads leaning down like abandonned sun flowers.

 

I don't think i have a question to ask anymore. I think i want to tell you that we have a hard time finding a friend because we've changed into weak creatures afraid of each other and who want to fight over anything to feel superior. While we're just a bunch of idiots running after material benefits, and fake treasures. While the real treasures were left behind in the best memories of life written in the chapters of faith, trust and love.

 

Love, was the last word written in the pages of the books we have chosen to close.

We gave up the source of life.

We all need a Godsend!

Since the options of perfection have widened, and keep spreading further and further, we find ourselves forced to adjust to a certain pace.

Knowing that we're not perfect, we still want to touch and taste some kind of perfection even if it was just too little for the world.

 

I met a girl a while ago at a wedding party, we had a very nice conversation, and spent the night dancing and laughing.

As the party ended, we had to go home and we exchanged phone numbers.

We spoke the next day and met again, and again and it's been 3 weeks we're dating regularly, we like each other a lot and we're definitely in love. We cook for each other, we clean the mess we leave together, we go shopping together, and every thing seems so right! We introduced each other to almost all our friends, and everyone likes everyone.

 

 

And hey guess what?

That was a joke!

 

Guess why.

 

 

 

 

When the storm blasts

you know rain is close.

And love is little... Till famine.

 

You wait for me in the midst of raging winds

with cold hands,

and a hesitating heart.

I come with the roots of trees in my bag

i sow them

in our frozen house.

On the tips of my toes, i walk.

I sprinkle fire here and there

and anywhere i pass,

the doors open wide

and you warm up.

 

The storm isn't winter,

not even rain.

In your cold heart a thousand winters and one.

...And you wait for me.

You injail your dreams in a little bottle

and warm it with your hands,

and mutter an amulet...

And it blooms.

 

Off your coat, i pick almond flowers,

and spread them a white line on your palm

and blow in it a little life:

We rover over the water, we flirt with the sea.

 

In your eyes a mighty sun

that colors me.

That burns me.

Then i shake out of my scent a new man.

 

Winter is far...

You alone rain dreams

that you enjail in a little bottle.

And warm it with your hands.

Mutter an amulet

...And we bloom...

I discovered that:

My personality is like heroin; I am capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows.
I am addicted to feeling good, I will do almost anything to avoid pain.
People seek me out, even though I can be quite moody. They are hooked on me!

I see myself like her... Exotic and powerful, Storm (of X-MEN) descended from a line of African priestesses. Emotions can affect my powers, but I am generally serene.
I believe I have undiscovered powers when it comes to controlling weather, creating winds that lift me into flight and generating lightnings.

I believe I am one of the most balanced people around. Motivated and focused, I am good at getting what I want. I rule at success, but success does not rule me.

If speaking of Tarot cards, I am the High Priestess.
I represent mystery, secrets that are yet to be revealed. I find myself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light. I tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two. Open and welcoming, I invite others to learn my secrets.
My fortune: Something hidden, or talent, in my life is about to come forward.
I need to pay more attention to my dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into my dark side, it will balance out in the end. I have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed; I must let those gates open!

I am a Prophet soul. A soul with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, I have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappointment in the long run. No matter what, I deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
I am a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring and gentle. Concerned about the world, I am good at predicting people’s feelings. A seeker of wisdom, I am a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. I am a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls I am most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul.

Hard working and ambitious, I am practically a guaranteed success.
What is bad about me: I can be unforgiving toward people who fail me.
In love: I am very picky, but extremely devoted to the one I choose.
In friendship, I am likely to be a good friend but expect a lot in return.
My ideal job is a sculptor, a painter or a practitioner of black magic.
My sense of fashion is preppy and put together.

My life path number is 11, which mean that my purpose in life is to inspire others!

My amazing energy draws people to me, and I give them great insight in return.
I hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying.
I have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet.
In love, I am sensitive and passionate. I connect with my partner on a very deep level.

I have great abilities, but I am often way too critical of myself.
I don't fit in - and instead of celebrating my differences, I dwell on them.
I have high expectations of myself. But sometimes I set them too high and don't achieve anything.

Tolerant and inspirational, I am wise beyond my years.
I am universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

My soul reflects: Devotion, light, and love.
My gemstone: Sapphire.
My flower: Morning Glory.
My colors: Brown and deep blue.

I have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
I have the ability to stay forever entertained with my thoughts.
People may say I'm hard to read, but that's because I'm so internally focused.
But when I do share what I am thinking, people are impressed with my imagination.

My Hidden Talent is:
I'm super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.
I tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.
Decision-making is easy for me. I have killer intuition.
The right path is always clear, and I'm a bit of a visionary.

In a past life I was a warrior, I used to live in Poland, I died of Typhoid fever.

Tests said that I am 60% weird!!!

Just when you think it's time to give up doing things, searching for people, or even believing in ideas, comes a godsend!

Just when i thought it's time to give up searching for that one friend, that unique someone out of a very long queue of people, just when i thought there's no such an idea like there's actually someone who's meant to be the one person i have everly been searching for to be the real me with, just then, came V.

The very first moment i saw him, i felt threatened by him! I saw a fox in his eyes, a very disciplined one, an impulsive person, and analysing person, someone who had a vision and it didn't matter then if that vision was in progress or not, what mattered was that he was connected to everything from people, to ideas, to theories, to knowledge, to culture, and every other aspect of the human life!
For once, i knew i was in the presence of another cosmic spirit!

That simple fact, which is a combining master piece of many complexities, digested in one soul, shaped perfectly to come up with an originally imperfect "void" person, who spent 25 years of progress in order to reach such a level of maturity, of sense and sensitivity attracted me the most and for once, i felt truely impressed by a man!

We've known each other for almost 5 months now. Our first meetings were randomly happening since we had a comon friend, but our last meetings were inevitable! We both realised what was meant to be. We became best friends, that's how i see it. I shared with V so far my dearest ideas, i vowed my most secretive thoughts, my most ashaming thoughts and went with him lately through a very daring journey out of which we came out as two new other men, linked spiritually and committed to make all what's necessary to keep such a glorious stable connection between each other. (We didn't have sex of course you perverts)

My last 5 months as a whole, were never predictable but were not a coincidence. This newly discovered friendship that had already travelled this far, that had gone beyond formalities and cliché, is merely the beginning of that vision i had mentioned earlier. That vision is now in progress, that vision is his, is mine, is ours. He is and i am the one we were looking for. Two completing pieces of a puzzle!

When a word fails, connection prevails.

There's a silence surrounding me... i can't seem to think straight... i sit in the corner... no one will bother me...

Very Pink Floydish! I think it's a very obvious reason why i was so attached to these guys! In every song they sang, there was something about me! Or at least so i think... Isn't it true, for instance, that all we need to do is make sure we keep talking?

 

All i ever did, was make sure i keep talking... For my biggest surprise, the "keep talking" thing, ruined many aspects of my life... Let's not dive into the sea of details. This time i'm walking by the walls of doubts vs. confidence, fear vs. courage, solitude vs. social life,  melancholy vs. joy, fairness vs. unfairness, equality vs. tyranny, sadness vs. happiness and so on. hoping i'm on the right path to make an idea sound so clear and sane! That's of course if any of you is still reading!

 

EMPTINESS. How familiar is this word to you?

 

Why, even though it's year 2000 fucking six, even though i can barely have the time to do something else but work, even though as soon as i have a bit of time there're always a bunch of friends waiting for me to join them for a hang out, for some drinks, for a joint maybe, or even for a soccer game on Johnny's play station because it reads pirated cds, even though i spent my life making good friends and succeeded alright....

 Why do i still feel empty?

 

Because... because i'm a fool.. That's what i really know.

I'm an old fool. You think of me as whatever you think of me.

But i, i think i'm some pathetic guy, who does nothing really special..

Because... because i'm not a fool after all.

Because i believe in something you don't.

Because i think the world is not what you, all of you are seeing.

Because for me in this world of mine, i am, and i am you all, in me, i represent an image of balance between whoever you are, whoever we are, and my self.

 

This emptiness i feel isn't but the emptiness you feel, which i consume to entertain you again...

Look what i wrote! Aren't you laughing already?